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May the lord forgive me (funny thread)

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An angry mob brings a woman who had been caught in adultery to the local town square, where Jesus was offloading his sermon to the town square crowd.

Mob Spokesman (Serial Womanizer): Teacher, this woman was caught pants down, cheating on her husband o!

Barr. Taiwo: (Corrupt Judge): According to Code of Conduct Law: Page 26, Paragraph 5; Subsection 2, any married woman caught red-handed in the act MUST be stoned to death!

Angry Mob: Yes!!! (Background murmurings)

Uchenna (Pickpocket): Oga, this woman must die o! Say something o! (Hand gestures)

Jesus: (shakes head and stoops to write on the ground)

Cyprian (Chronic Lair): Oga, if you don’t say anything, we will proceed to stone the shit out of this woman o!

Angry Mob: (Loud indistinct chatter and murmurings)

Jesus: (Straightens up) He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her. (Stoops back down to write on the ground)

Jesse (Pedophile): Mtcheww! Oga, shift o. Make this stone no touch you. (Hurls stone at her)

Kehinde (Wife beater and Cocaine addict): This man think say we come here come play! (Hurls two heavy stones at her)

Adulterous Woman: Ah! That one enter o! (Screams)

Jesus: (shocked) My Father, My Father!! Stop this madness, you fools! Who has bewitched you all!?

Angry Mob: (keeps calm and stares in utter confusion)

Jesus: (Angry) Are you all so blind to see through your stupidity and self-deceit? Most of you standing right here, engage yourselves in much more grievous sins than this woman has and ever will! Oh, you self-righteous morons think I don’t know? Oya, you! (Points) Yes, you! Come forward.

Julius (Rich Aristo): (clears voice) Erm… Teacher, here I am.

Jesus: There is a number saved on your phone as “Esther Doggie.” Who is she? Please, tell us.

Julius: (shaky voice) Ah! Teacher, how did you…? Well, she’s a veterinary doctor. She tends to my dogs.

Bridget (Julius’ Loyal Wife): (shouts) Liar! (Angry mob turns in awe and parts for her to walk through) Teacher, we have no dogs o! (Turns to husband and claps hands dramatically) Yes o, who is “Esther Doggie?” Please, tell us!

Jesus: (chuckles) You heard your wife.

Julius: (nervous tone) Honey, I can explain.

Bridget: I knew it! I just… (Breaks down in tears and makes to leave)

Julius: Honey… Baby, wait! (Drops stones and chases after her)

Jesus: That was example number 1. Now, I repeat, he who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her. (Stoops down to write on the ground)

Angry mob: (looks at each other, nervously. Drop stones and exit the town square, one after the other).

Jesus: (straightens up) Woman, where are they? No one else condemned you?

Adulterous Woman: (crying) No one, Lord.

Jesus: I do not condemn you either. Go and sin no more.

(Woman departs and Jesus continues his interrupted sermon to the town square crowd)

Okokomaiko’s bible(AAUA)

Chapter two

And when the hour for the meal had come, Jesus reclined at the table, and the apostles with him.

Jesus: Thomas, pray for us, will you?

Thomas: (nods) Sure thing, Lord. Please, fellow apostles, may we all bow our heads to pray. Oh C’mon, Bartholomew! Seriously!? You want to keep stealing glances at that chicken lap in place of bowing your head? You think I’m not also intere–

Jesus: (cuts in) Thomas!!

Thomas: Sorry, Lord. (Begins prayer)

(2 minutes later, prayer ends)

Jesus: (clears voice) I have earnestly looked forward to eating this Passover with you all before I suffer.

Andrew: Awwn, Lord. That’s so sweet.

James: Keep quiet, Andrew. Did you miss the word “suffer?”

Andrew: Wait, so because you were chosen before me, means you can talk to me anyhow!? Look at small James o.

Jesus: Silence, you two! I’ll tolerate no further interruptions! Back to what I was saying… I have earnestly looked forward to this Passover before I suffer, because I will not eat of it again until I reunite with you all in my Father’s kingdom.

Luke: But Lord, what if we all don’t make it? I’m asking because I’m personally concerned with the way Peter admires those scribes who drink Ciroc on ice. One could tell he almost wants some.

Apostles: (stifled laughs)

Peter: (rises with rage) Take a good look at me, Luke. Do I look like your age mate? Look, Luke, I won’t overlook the next time you spew such lukewarm accusations at me!

Luke: Oh, please! (rolls eyes)

Jesus: Pete, Satan has planned to sift you, but I have prayed for you. Please, sit. Matthew, please pass me that tall glass of red wine.

Matthew: Sure. (Passes glass)

Jesus: Thank you, Matt. Now, this right here in this glass (raises cup) represents my blood. Share this among yourselves. (Passes cup to Philip)

John: Phil! One sip is enough, man!

Philip: (puts cup down and passes) John, won’t you leave me alone?

Jesus: (shakes head) In that same vein, share this unleavened bread among yourselves, too. This one represents my flesh.

(Bread is broken and shared)

Thaddeus: For a minute there, I almost felt like a cannibal. Phew!

Judas: Thaddeus, not everything is a joke! Don’t trifle with something serious!

Jesus: Says the man who has already betrayed me.

Apostles: WHOA!!

Judas: Erm… What!?? (Phone vibrates)

Jesus: C’mon, take your call. Don’t keep them waiting.

Judas: Me? Betray you!? (Phone vibrates again)

Apostles: TAKE YOUR CALL!!

Judas: (nervous) Jeez. Okay, Okay!! (Answers phone hesitantly) H-Hello, Pharisee Felix…

Apostles: HAAYY!!!! (Shocked)

Jesus: (bows head) Judas, please excuse us.

Judas: (low-toned voice) I’m really sorry, Lord. But, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. (Tries to pick a piece of meat from the dinning table, on his way out)

Apostles: (angrily) DROP THAT MEAT!!!

As Judas Iscariot hurriedly dropped the piece of meat and exited the room, Jesus and the remaining Apostles discussed crucial matters pertaining to his impending death

0kokomaiko’s Biblical joke(AAUA)
Chapter three

In the course of time, two brothers born of Eve brought different offerings unto the Lord. And while they set up the wood for the burnt offering, Cain gets distracted.

Cain: Wait, is that not Zillhar? (Drops log of wood and points)

Abel: The same Zillhar you said you met at the tavern, West of Eden?

Cain: The same one! The one with the big bum! (Dusts hands and makes to leave)

Abel: Oh, c’mon! You seriously want to pursue after her right now!?

Cain: (ignores and keeps walking)

Abel: Cain, we are here for a sacrifice!!!

Cain: (scoffs) Oh, please. (Mutters under breath, and steps up pace)

(Cain walks a stone throw from the place of sacrifice, closing in on Zillhar.)

Cain: H-hello, fair and lovely one!

Zillhar: Hello, drinker from the tavern. Who told you my name?

Cain: (scratches head) Erm…well, a pretty, little birdie; one as pretty as you look, whispered it into my ears.

Zillhar: (smiles) Is that so? Did that pretty, little birdie also tell you that I don’t mingle with poor men?

Cain: (laughs) Lady, go ask about Cain. They’ll tell you how successful and booming my farm business has been, in all the East of Eden! I’m surprised you haven’t heard.

Zillhar: Oh, you’re “Cain?” Nice to meet you! But, erm…I look out for something special in any man.

Cain: Really? What would that be?

Zillhar: Do you offer sacrifice unto the Lord from time to time?

Cain: (scoffs) My sacrifices stand out! I offer sacrifices like a pro! I make sacrificing look easy! I live to offer sacrifices. As a matter of fact, I was about to do so when I saw you. You can come see for yourself.

Zillhar: Goodness gracious! I’d love to watch you.

Cain: Come along then.

(Cain and Zillhar amble down to the place of sacrifice.)

Abel: (slaughters sheep and places it on wood) Cain, I don’t have a single thing to say to you. (Turns to Zillhar) Hello!

Zillhar: Hello! (Waves with a smile)

Cain: Don’t mind that little man. He knows nothing about offering sacrifices. Just watch me, Zill. (Hurriedly sets up wood and places farm produce on it)

Abel: (shakes head and knocks two stones together to light sacrifice)

Cain: (knocks two bigger stones together to light sacrifice) Abel, you gon learn today!

(Their sacrifices catch fire and thick wisps of smoke start going up from Abel’s.)

Abel: (laughs and jumps up)

Cain: (looks dejectedly at his sacrifice and throws a tantrum)

Zillhar: (looks lustfully at Abel and moves closer to him) Hello, handsome. You never erm…told me your name. (Licks lips)

Abel: (smiles blushingly) I’m A-Abel by name.

Cain: No, no, no!! Zillhar, please! I’m still rich. That small boy has nothing but a dozen sheep. 12 sheep! Only 12!!

Zillhar: Look, look, don’t disturb me! Did the smoke from your sacrifice go up? Did it go up!? (Hisses and turns back to Abel). So, what would you be doing after now?

Abel: (smiles) Uhm…I’ll be heading straight home. Why?

Zillhar: (fiddles with hair) Well, we could go to my place. I’ll prepare some nice goat meat stew.

Abel: Oh, sweet heavens! Are we leaving now or what?

Cain: Abel, I swear to God, you will pay for this!

Abel: (laughs) Cain, you sound like one of my sheep right now.

(Abel and Zillhar laugh aloud as they leave)

(Shortly afterwards, Cain sends word out to his notorious street gang, through a raven, telling them to ambush and kill Abel, but spare Zillhar’s life.)

(Minutes later, word from the street gang gets back to Cain as he seats sullen on a log of wood, at the place of sacrifice.)

Cain: (laughs mischievously) Nobody crosses Cain, Nobody!!! (Stands and beats hands against chest)

God: (thunders from above) Cain, Cain!!

Cain: Oh, shit! (Mutters under breath) Y-yes, Lord?

God: I heard that! Cain, where is your brother, Abel?

Cain: (scoffs) Am I my brother’s keeper!?

God: (shakes head) As punishment for this singular act of manslaughter, I will cause your farm business to crumble.

Cain: Pfft. I still got coins! Coins for days!!

God: I will also be putting a mark on your forehead, so that any heartless Thunder that finds you shall strike you without mercy. I’d love to watch your coins save you from this one.

(As the Lord was done speaking, dark, gloomy clouds began to form in the sky. Cain looks up, sights a heartless thunder charging toward him, and flees. But while he was still screaming in flight, the heartless thunder catches up with him from behind, tearing through his pants and blackening his ass.)

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